Determined, but discouraged.

I have been staring at this computer for four solid days. I've barely eaten, showered once and have been outside only to let my dog out. Why? Because that's what "rock stars" do when they want to be "rock stars". haha... I've been working! (Gasp!) Booking is the most difficult thing for me to do, because I absolutely hate it. Finding the venues in the cities that you are passing through at certain times and then doing your best to be honest with the clubs in saying "hey, I probably wont draw all that well because I've never played your city before, but I'm really gonna bust my ass in an effort to put asses in your seats, money in your till and make you love me by the end of the night". It's exhausting, I must admit.

The thing is... It's HARD to get people to show up to all of your shows. People have lives, responsibilities, kids, OTHER PLANS! So, although you bust your ass and try like hell to get the word out, you spend money on promotion and stare at a computer trying to meet people in new cities, sometimes, you end up playing to the bartender and sleeping in the car cuz you didn't make enough money to even pay your bar tab, let alone for a hotel.

I don't mind sleeping in the car, but it really breaks my heart to play in a new place and no one shows up. It's not like I didn't try to get people there, but how on earth do you get people to go from "yeah, I'll be there" to actually getting their asses showered and ready, put them in the car, drive them there and then get them through the doors?

So, on that note... I just want to ask you guys for some help... if you see that I'm coming to your city, can you help me promote by telling your friends? Hanging a poster? Maybe... come to the show and bring someone with you? If you have any ideas for promotion that you want to try out, or if you wanna dance like a monkey on the corner of the busy streets and shout "Come see Jessi Lynn at __________", I welcome your enthusiasm (but don't send me loads of suggestions that just add to my pile of things to do, I can't be on every street corner, oooh... that could be a whole other career, lol).

I'm not "too good" to admit that I can't do this all by myself, I don't want pity, I just want help!

Being a "rock star" is really not all that "cool" until you step foot on stage, but the rest of the "uncool" stuff is what it takes to get you to that stage.

And that.. is all my bitching for today. Oh... and Happy St Patty's Day... I just realized that today is a Holiday. Damn. I need a green beer.

Hallar!

Fear ain't all bad.

So, I've written a lot about "fear" lately... fear fear fear... there are a lot of negatives associated with fear and that's really what I've been focusing on as of lately. All the things that hold us (me) back, the changes that we are terrified to make (even if it makes our lives better, odd, but we all do it). I was thinking about this last night and decided... some fear is good.

I have fears that I desperately want to over come. Fear of failure (which is determined by your measure of success - a whole other subject), fear of judgment, fear of change, fear of... heights!
But there are many fears that I think are healthy - fears that keep us safe and fears that keep us motivated. Maybe fear isn't the problem at all... maybe it's what we choose to do with our fears that leads us to problems.

Let's think about this... Fear of failing could keep me from even trying, OR, I could keep trying because of it. I guess it's really up to us whether our fears are negatives or positives.. and of course, the balance between the two possibilities.

What is your fear? Does it control you or do you control it?

Change.

I've always wondered why people are so resistant to change, as if it's some dirty word or shameful thought. What is so scary about it anyhow?

I grew up in a family of change. Probably due to my mother who once lived in a school bus and traveled around with her first husband and son. There was never a time when my mother surprised me, never. I could come home from school to a mother with purple hair, and it wasn't shocking at all. The house would be re-arranged and my bedroom would be switched with my sister's or completely given away to a stranger who needed a place to stay. Sure, it wasn't exactly the easiest of childhoods, never being sure of what was going to happen next, but it sure was exciting (annoying at times, I wont lie, but definitely exciting).

For many years, I resisted anything that had to do with my mother, including change. I think it was my "separation" from the parental examples (rebellion anyone?), but as I aged and went out into the world, I discovered the honest truth. I'm just like my mother (eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!)...

I actually do appreciate my mother's ability to change at the drop of a hat and it certainly has allowed me the freedom to change without so much resistance. I love it, actually. I love getting up and going to a new city whenever I feel like it (or have a gig). I love loading the car and watching the white lines disappear behind me. I love the freshness of a new city or a back country road. I love walking into a a little bar or restaurant that I'd never know had I stayed still. The people, the stories, the excitement... of change.

There are many people that I know, friends, fans, even family members who have never left the place they were raised. Scared to drive the streets of a big city or even change their hairstyle (ok, I'll admit... the hair was a tough change for me back in 2005 when I chopped it off for the first time in ten years)... but the excitement and freedom of change is exhilerating, once you find the courage to DO IT!

I think it all goes along with "fear" as I have written many journals on "fear" lately in my quest to be a better person and admit my fears to the world (yikes). It's amazing how many fears we carry around with us, never really thinking that we are "scared" or "fearful", but... we are. What keeps you where you are? Are you happy in your life? Do you walk by the mirror without glancing into it because you have that extra 20 pounds you dont want to see (or deal with)? Do you avoid your friends because they are "too honest"? Have you given up on your passion? What makes you truly and genuinely happy? Why aren't you doing that? What are we so damn scared of? Geeeeezzzzz!! Change is GOOD! Hard, but good. I certainly am not saying that I'm free of fear and that I don't struggle with changes, cuz Lord knows I have fears that can stop me dead in my tracks and ruin my entire day. Once I started to really learn about fear, I started recognizing how many times a day I was being stopped by it. Change is scary, it really is... but the more changes you make in your life, the more strength you find within yourself. The bigger your confidence grows, it's the most powerful feeling, it's the freedom of fear.

Repeating Patters

We all repeat patterns... it's a safety thing I think... probably fueled by fear of change, of differences, of the unknown or of... FAILING. Often times we don't try (or try again) for fear of failing (or failing again). Such as New Years Resolutions. So many people don't make resolutions with the excuse of "I never last at it". Smoking, losing weight, searching out a better job, working on fixing a marriage or being a better friend, sister, brother, mother, father, etc... So instead of striving for better, we keep ourselves stuck in our own patterns... never actually TRYING to fix, or TRYING be better, or TRYING to achieve any sort of goal for the fear of failing at it. Of course, by not trying... you automatically fail, yet we don't seem to care too much about the failure if we don't try at all. Blows my mind actually.

What sense does it make to not try? I mean... really... who wants to stay in a mediocre life when they could have more? What keeps us standing still, not trying, not exploring, not attempting?

Fear of failing.

So we keep lliving unhealthy and unproductive by staying in crappy jobs, mediocre relationships, closed circles of friends and we continue to repeat patterns that are comfortable, even though they aren't fulfilling (and we know in our hearts that we aren't fulfilled and still choose the same patterns of misery, most of the time bitching about our lives and never attempting to fix a damn thing).

Fear limits you. It doesn't allow you to reach higher, dig deeper, go further or dream bigger... it keeps you still. Paralyzed in a mediocre life.

If you don't try, you fail. Awesome, right?

God gave us the ability to do anything we believe in. He gave us passion for a purpose. He blessed us with free will so that we can be the ones to decide our lives and our futures. We get to choose happiness, fulfillment and contentment. WE do. US. YOU. ME.

So, do you try and risk failure or do you stand still and fail by choice?

What I learned today: I don't want to fail by standing still... if I fail, I want to fail knowing I made the choice to TRY.

I'm just a girl with a dream...

I was twelve when I bought my first guitar, that was... uhhh... a few years ago... lol...

I live, breathe, eat & sleep music. I'm not all that good at it, but I've done pretty good with three chords and the truth. There have been many times where I wanted to throw the guitar out the window and dump all four of my Cd's in the trash can, but... for some reason, I just can't.

This is probably the hardest career I could have chosen, but I guess when it's in your blood, you don't get much of a choice. Besides, I used to think I was invincible and that no one could stop me and I'd be rich and famous by the time I turned 24... whoops.... guess I'm not invincible at all. Gulp.

I've been very distant in my career, never letting my fans truly see me for who I am - a real life person (gasp!). I mean, it's a hard balance (and I'm not even famous) to keep your professional and personal life separate from the world. It's not like there's anything different in my life compared to everyone else, right? So what's the big deal? I get up and put my jeans on the same way as you, I struggle with every day things like getting the laundry done and bathroom cleaned. I have been in shitty relationships and I've been in awesome relationships and am still looking for that "one" who fits just right in my life, or fits my life again? lol. You see, I'm just like everyone else, maybe still hung up on the past. Human, damn. I'm human? Damn. Reality can hurt sometimes, geeeezzzzz. *wink*

Any which way you cut it, I'm a girl. A writer of songs. A dreamer. I'm not all that good at any one thing, but I do try... I dream big... and then... I dream bigger.